the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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