no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You are the jesus of drinking
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
