Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
