If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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