this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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