I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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