Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
