the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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