You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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