So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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