I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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