please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
