I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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