words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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