why didn't you poke me back
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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