ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I deserve this hangover.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
