She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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