she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I AM VODKA MAN
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
