one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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