you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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