i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right