At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?