i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
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The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.