I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
