That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
