my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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