this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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