Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
