watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
