mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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