pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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