K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize