Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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