This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
