I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
