someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
