how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
