Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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