I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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