Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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