My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
