I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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