Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
