I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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