and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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