i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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