1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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