look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
