I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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