Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
