And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
