Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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