I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
