So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
