i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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