this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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