1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
