You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
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So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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