It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
