just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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