My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
