she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
