everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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