Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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