awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
