I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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