It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
