So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Send help, water and tortillas.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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